12.03.2003

What I Want for Christmas

Dear Santa –

We are both aware that 2003 was not a stellar year. I’m sure my exploits are all there in your so-called “Naughty or Nice” book, but let’s be honest: Your little elf-spies are better suited for tightening lugnuts on wagonwheels than for accurately recording the nuances of the human psyche under stress. Naughty is as Naughty does, but some days it sure does feel Nice. I submit that in order to understand my requests this year, you must first understand the extenuating circumstances that may – I repeat, MAY – have (on occasion) impacted my behavior.

The pivotal event this year was the slow, painful deterioration of my job. While I willingly share some of the blame, the true antagonists remain at large in corporate America. I could name names, but why bother? I am certain you know who they are and will ensure that they burn in hell. For my part, I admit an adverse reaction to the job situation. Even before it culminated in my layoff, I was prone to self-medication. Lordy, lordy, did I have fun! You know as well as I do that I was only postponing the inevitable crash of my ego.

Joblessness – depression – not to mention that farcical occupation of Iraq left me lost and paralyzed. It got so I didn’t want to turn on my beloved CNN for fear it had been taken over by Fox News. My world – heck, the entire world – seemed to be crumbling at it’s civilized roots. Most movies sucked. Disney scored a string of hits featuring actual “plots” and “characters” instead of formulas and stereotypes. And Johnny Depp is poised to become the kind of superstar only Julia Roberts can relate to. Can’t you see how this messes with a guy’s sense of right and wrong?

After a year-long struggle against the forces of evil (I don’t need an axis – just general evil is enough to scare me), I have finally climbed into the front seat of this wacky roller coaster. I believe I am ready to throw my hands in the air and let forth an exuberant “Wheeeeeeeeee!” as I begin 2004. I swear the loop-dee-loops are behind me. I am excited to be me again.

With that in mind, I hope you will accept the attached list of what I want (and deserve) for Christmas in 2003. Thanks in advance for your infinite wisdom and understanding. We all look up to you down here – and we sincerely apologize for that Tim Allen thing.

Christmas List for: Scott Macphee
Submitted: December 3, 2003
Cc: Mommy, Daddy, Grandma

1. A chemistry set – so I can continue to experiment with living my life.

2. A By-line – preferably in a magazine with circulation in 2+ million HH, avg HHI > $45k.

3. An end to the bullshit presidential candidacy of Wesley Clark. Surely, you get the joke – you have your suit, he has his. His will great at funerals in his official capacity as VP.

4. A new pony – the last one drank all my liquor, popped all my pills, stole my ATM card and drained my savings account to fund his coke binge. I haven’t seen him for months.

5. The ouster of Michael Eisner.

6. An EZ-Bake oven – because I never had one as a little girl.

7. The end of Cannes and the pre-eminance of Toronto as the capital of the film festival circuit.

8. A plane ticket and press pass to the above.

9. A week on Dr. Phil. With audience participation. Without cameras.

10. More time with my family.

11. An end to martyrdom.

12. Something to replace that goddamned Serenity Prayer. Okay – I get it. It’s a fabulous sentiment, but does it really need to be airbrushed on beach t-shirts in Pensacola?

13. A flood of traffic to www.newamericancentury.org so more people will learn what Rummy and Wolfowitz are up to.

14. A new battery for my iPod. This one keeps dying in under 4 hours.

15. My own personal card shop stocked with pithy, arty cards all priced at $1.99. This $6 -$7 crap has got to stop.

16. More understanding of sushi. Toro means “bull” in Spanish but “fatty tuna” in sushi. It’s confusing even with sake for heaven’s sake.

17. A puppy – in case the new pony gets any wise ideas.

18. Movie passes, the Criterion Collection on DVD, and a full library of Billy Wilder, The Coen Brothers, Elia Kazan and Stephen Soderbergh (up to but not including Erin Brockovich).

19. A replacement for my toy-sized TV. Plasma, if possible.

20. More room to hold the love I have for my Mikal. And more freedom to show it.

21. Peace on Earth. Good will towards Men (even the not-so-hunky ones).

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